oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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