please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
