he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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