My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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