No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
