Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
You ruined the universe
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
