You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
