DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Randomize
