It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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