I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Randomize
