Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
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