Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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