Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
