Did you just see the Batmobile???
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Randomize
