I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
she pinky promised me she was 18
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
