I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I need help removing her.
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
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