My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
