Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
