OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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