Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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