so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
