Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Randomize
