Pants 0. Shit 1.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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