i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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