I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Randomize
