I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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