i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
