I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
So squirting runs in the family.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
