I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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