just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
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