I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I hope mine doesn't look like that
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
