Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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