she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
