I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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