sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
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