I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Randomize
