your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize