mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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