No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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