I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Randomize
