my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
