JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
