We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Randomize
