My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
