Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
