You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
