What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I just want to make out with him forever
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
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