woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
