Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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