Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
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the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
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We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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