booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Randomize
