Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
whose ass print is on the piano?
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
