i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
