my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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