I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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