My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
