Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
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