I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize