Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
