I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
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He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
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My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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