life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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