If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
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